Tomorrow is New Years Eve, soon I’ll shed so many minutes from last year, so many moments, some good, some filled with love, and many others so hazy anddepressed that they blur in my memory even before 1998 has begun.

Oh let me be reborn through this pain, let me fly up through the ashes of this year and my ruined relationship with Clark. My memories and experiences feelso heavy, soaked so full with tears, it’s dark black and red, a thick smothering cloak…

This vacation is like an ocean on a cloudy dark day, I have pushed off from shore in my boat and this wind is slowly pushing me across, I am standing in this small boat, trying to raise my arms to embrace the new year, but my cloak is inches thick.

Tomorrow night, though, the boat will reach the shore and as I step off gentlyonto the new continent this heavy worn cloak will catch on the anchor inside the boat, and my steps will be unfettered.

Naked into the new year, my arms will finally raise out and up to start the dance of the new year `in the dancing rays of warmth and excitement`

Next year I want to wear something bright, iridiscent, perhaps something see-through, or wild like the cover of my paper journal.

I want to be bright, happy, to draw a crowd with the light God has provided me with. I think this journal(As well as the paper one) is the resolution I have begun early, and oh how I wish to continue this

Oy, the internet is eating me! bleah…

It’s bad enough to spend hours customizing my own desktop, but now Becky[roommate] has a brain…um brand new computer and so I’ve gotten her some items and made her a web page.{Do I associate computers with intelligence?}

but mmm, i love it so much.

What I really need to be doing [is] my paper for psychology–make upon journaling or even my big paper for honors, I didn’t even game[rpg] tonight,sigh. Why am I so un-motivated and lazy? I used to be on time. I used to get things done and though I’ve slept most of the day, and done nothing but read, I-surf and sit around naked[maybe more on that another time], I haven’t really done-anything. Last week was the last week of classes. The week where things were to be finished and I’m not.
It bothers me that I’m like this, but it bothers me more when Clark[boyfriend]says things like:

“I know how you are”
or
“that’s just the [way] you are”

and why does is scare me when he says

“We’re very alike in those aspects”
and
“We are very alike”

It’s like he is saying that my personality is carved in stone,unchangeable, unmovable.
I have always had the power to be whatever I want. To be changeable,I’m still young, I want to be changeable.

Do I not change my innovation[motivation] because he seems to constantly be reinforcing the facts my weaknesses as things in an unchangeablecharacter, hmm…

*phone call*
Spoke to Clark, he told me to go to bed again. talked told him to stop mbeing my father
Asked him who tells him to go to bed.
–no-one–
Why?
–because I do it–
When can I be that age?
–…–

He slides into that father role so easily. Unfortunately that puts me into a child role
I don’t Like being a child.
I NEVER DID
WAS I EVER ONE
I ALWAYS IDENTIFIED
WITH MY Older PEOPLE BETTER
at least until I got here to school.
Being the child makes me feel, small, insignificant, helpless, dependent(that’swhat he wants)

I worked hard to get here–19 years….

I want to be an intelligent, flexible, independent WOMAN!

I went swimming last night, and it felt _oh_ so good to use my body again.
I had been thinking about doing some kind of exercise recently, I’ve beenspending way too much time on various computers. Basically, I’ve been escaping, from school here, papers, people, the whole yard of nine…


I received some real paper mail the day I returned from Thanksgiving, Aaron wrote that he felt like he was doing the same thing, and even cited me, not writing back to him. Oh, I feel terrible about that. We have been corresponding in some way for about four years, ever since we played together in the Wisconsin Youth Symphony Orchestra. Ever since my sophomore year in High School. We write to each other the burdens of our hearts, and somehow we always been there. He’s graduating college soon, that feels strange. He’s a real musician.


But, basically I’ve felt that I am under a good deal of stress. My back knots up all the way to the nape of my back, and down my trapezius, out to my shoulders, really, really painful. Finals coming up, I’m still behind from when my mother had surgery this fall, I’ve not been eating or sleeping well,and not exercising. And somehow I feel that I don’t have the right to feelthis way.

So I suggested to my roommate yesterday morning that we’d go swimming that night. About midway through the day I wasn’t so sure I even wanted to go. But my sweet roomie called me at work to tell me that she and another friend were not going to do their normal exercising, and that they’d just wait for me to go swimming.


The water sliding past me felt so nice, I’m not an Olympic swimmer but I love to swim. The best thing about swimming is that it makes you feel like you are almost weightless, flying. So I floated, swam a few laps, splashed around, andfelt generally ducky. Then after a couple warm showers(one in the locker room,one later in the dorm) I was still floating, free of stress, very mellow, warm and secure. My muscles thanked me because they had moved farther than keyboard or mouse, the tightness was gone, it had seeped out while I raced my roommate the length of the pool doing the backstroke.


I love floating