So much is going through my head. I LOVE HIM
Carlo, I love Carlo, I have always wanted to. Think of all the letters he sent me, or rather think of the ones I sent him. Or the fact that every time I’ve been in Madison since he went off to school I’ve looked for him on all theroads, searched for his face, for his profile in car.–years, for years– but I went on, dated Justin, and Clark.

What am I trying to say?

Oh I remember. I’m beginning to realize that I got out of the whole Clark thing just in time.
Having Carlo around, having him listen to me has allowed me to see how much of myself was broken by Clark. I hunger for his(Carlo’s) conversation, a voracious appetite for his words.

I have wanted him for so long, and now I have him. He loves me also. I whisper ‘te amo’ to him, ‘te quiero’, and it’s true.
~~I’m watching Chasing Amy, the characters are at a Hockey game. So much pain.~~
All I want to do is make him happy. Is it possible? Will this last? Oh Lord,I want it to.

My mom called tonight, she’s been trying to get a hold of me for three-weeks. I’ve been in and out, busy, and falling in love. But I haven’t told herHe wants me to spend the night on saturday-Valentines day. So much, so much. I love him so much, I need him, he’s…
not a Christian, in fact he has a stated animosity towards the faith I suckledon.


Thoughts that he almost proposed to Delma(his prev g/f) turns my whole bodyinto ice, as if I were plunged into the flo suddenly. I told Wendy that perhaps this is my very first act of rebellion to my family. But I’m not sure if I’m strong enough for that.


He has always been a constant in my life, am I afraid of the endbefore just at the beginning or rather the middle(because all this started 5 years ago)Darnit I said I wanted a love without tears, and here they are streaming down my face) Is it possible to have a love without tears. Mom and Elisa’s mom are worried about Elisa–she’s dating a non-christian marine, apparently a very nice guy. Oh Elisa, I worry for you too, but more in the experience factor, don’t go along with everything you’ve never done before. Don’t have regrets, my true friend. Mom asked if I found anyone interesting or visa-versa. I said yes, but did not specify who. I didn’t tell her that I had claimed Carlo Arellano as mi novio. Or that he spent the night last night, and last weekend (When I told him I loved him)

He says sleeping at his place is no different than here, but that’s false. Here I can hide what’s happening, treasure it for myself. Is this the calm before the storm? Diary reader, I did not have sex with him, that, I am convinced I will not allow until after marriage.


I am ashamed of the things I did with Clark, the things I felt compelled to do,the way he manipulated this still naive freshman(then) into touching him, was there more animal than man in him, or more child in him than I? I told him I loved him, that had to mean something, it was definitely more than I’d ever felt before. But was it my mindset that allowed me to love him. I hearechoes of the sentiment “I came so close to loving Brian , the next man I date will most likely fall in love with.” And I did, though I made no real search for any others before I realized that I was treating that hornyoversexed redhead more like a boyfriend that a friend. Ah, I remember now what I liked, he opened doors, bought me gifts, he took me places and yes, he was 8years older. Who did I mention it to, that(it could seem) I was dating Clark(8yrs) to make Carlo(6yrs) seem a better choice.
How surprised will she be?
She’s heard me gush(conservatively) over him, I think, she knew of our correspondence, she knows him and she knows I went to see him at four in the morning(TRIUMPH)

I mean after all we have known eachother for 5 years+ now. But really I’m kidding, right now I’m still messed up over Clark, there is a lot of anger and resentment there.
Also there was so little communication with Clark, I was isolated and could not speak with my Jailer, unless I used body language. Apparently I had some skill(gullibility?) or (desire to please?) Do I have a self-esteem problem? Is that why I let myself get carried away? Why do I feel like I have to prove myself to everyone? (with clark)I felt so used. I guess that gets closer to the core of it. I was being used by the one I loved. I gave him my heart(though I can’t remember if it was under coercion or not) Why did he feel the need to use me? I felt so cheap, I still a bit feel that way. A used rag,ripped, torn, a psyche held together by tendrils, threads.


The love seemed to seep from his eyes as they were overcome by a predatory,abusive, jealous, controlling crocodile, ready to roll me to death, his lust wasso strong. I think it drove him farther than any love he had for me. I think his lust propelled him to buy me a promise ring, his lust told him that the only way to have me was to marry me. Is that why he pressed so hard emotionally?


I guess with Carlo the only thing to do is keep praying, keep talking, keep loving. I do not regret my love for Carlo, every action he makes towards me is caring, supportive, loving. I have my friends to stand with me, my roommate and God will not leave his child even when my family disagrees with my decision. I have never been struck so hard, this tangible emotion, this unfilteredsupernova. It makes what I had with Clark look like such a pale shadow. He(carlo) tells me that if sex was what he wanted(now) he wouldn’t be here. I must remember that he loved my personality first as we started those years agoas names typing on Starfleet, glowing letters wrapped in anonymity. So many stories of us already. Real and imagined. Needless to say he has already shaken my future.