I find myself sighing a lot this week, and making little grunting noises,
only to realize I’ve been holding my breath. I just have been so
frustrated lately, mostly with work. I’m working at the company I wanted
to work at, but not really doing any work. Definitly not doing any work
that means anything to anyone. It not that I really love the Intranet,
it’s just the only thing I have to do. But at every turn I find myself
thwarted, mostly by people who could care less about the work I am
attempting to do, or by people who are doing more important things than
I(read-everyone). I feel like I’m doing worthless work. It could be
better, if I were given the oppurtunity to run with it.


I had mild chest pain yesterday, right over my sternum. It started before
I went to work and lasted all day, in varying degrees of
intensity. Everyone told me to make a doctors appointment, which I did. I
found myself in the middle of the afternoon being poked and prodded, ekg’d
and xrayed, and made to wear those embarrasing little robes backwards,
which was even more embarrasing because I couldn’t draw it all the way
across my chest. And the doctor told me that nothing was wrong, it’s
either stress or I pulled some strange muscle in my sleep. Of course I
have little faith in the man who didn’t admit me right away when I had a
horrible case of mono, years ago.


I think I’m becoming a bit obsessive about this whole work thing, I need
to chill. From the outside things actually look pretty good, I have an
awesome apartment, and awesome boyfriend, I work at a great place, with
nice people. I have a new home computer with a cable modem. I have many
lamps, 4 of which I bought at Ikea last weekend during the HREF="http://chicago.hellyeah.com">chicago.hellyeah.com trip.(yah HREF="http://www.ikea.com">ikea!)

I had a great time last
weekend, and I didn’t have to think about work much at all. I got to see
melanie(She is officially
the bees knees) again. Rob
suffered through my first trip to ikea in which i marathon shopped for
said lamps. I met a kiwi, went bowling, introduced HREF="http://www.delusional.com">Heidi to my favorite drink, Amaretto
sour. I took three rolls of film, all told, which will be developed and
scanned when I have enough money to do so.



Meeting people from online is an interesting situation, it’s a lot like
fishing, sometimes you meet people and you spend the rest of your life
getting to know them. They are treasures you would have never found
without your modem. Sometimes you are surprised, other times
dissapointed. I’m always glad when I go to these things though. And I have
been going to similar ones since I was 14, and met HREF="http://www.novicius.com">Boy.


So, there are many good things happeneing in my life. But it scares me
that lately I’ve been rationalizing work like I used to rationalize dating
Clark(my semi abusive(verbal) ex). I used to say, ‘I guess I don’t always
get what I wanted/dreamed of.’ It took me 4 months after that to finally
free myself from that relationship. 4 more months in which I finally
realized that each of us has the ability to change our situation when we
feel trapped, or that we are not living the lives we dreamed we would. I
am not working at the job, doing the things, I thought I would be doing
after I graduated with a major that would allow me to do web work full
time. I’m trying to change things, but I seem to be blocked on even that
front.


Things aren’t bad, yet I’m all bound up, and my chest hurts if I think too
much about my frustrations. I want to relax.



Stacie