Questing

Dreaming the Impossible Dream since 1997

states of grief

August14

It’s been a dark summer, emotionally. I’ve spent several weeks in misery, depression, and general sadness. There were days where I felt I couldn’t close my eyes without finding myself trapped in that amber afternoon in those last hours I spent with my father. Times I felt I couldn’t breathe, remembering his last gasping breaths.

This emotion is akin to falling down a rabbit hole, a long floating sensation where almost every sure thing in my world has been swept about in a maelstrom, leaving me little to hang onto.

Still, where there were weeks and days full of this intense emotional fog, there are now mostly just moments that I allow to pass me swiftly. I felt like I was drowning in those amber moments, but now I have surfaced. Perhaps only my head is above the waters, but I’m still swimming, I’m going to make it.

I’ve been both ‘keeping busy’ while at the same time ‘searching for purpose’. Some days just feel pretty pointless. Better days happen when I take the time to make lists and fulfill them.

I move ahead in some goals, while others elude me. I’ve been reading a good deal, and filling my other moments with intentions of working on art and writing. Some of those intentions haven’t been realized, mostly related to things like exercising and working on the comic.

I know I’m still using these things to escape, but the sheer weight of sadness has lessened a bit, and I’m finding it a bit easier to be around my family and friends. I know I haven’t been the easiest one to be around, but am thankful for the love and patience my husband and everyone has given me.

Time allows us only to move forward.

posted under Family, General

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