It has occurred to me over the past few days to try to spend as much time with friends and family as I can. I’m not Scrooge in my story, but absolutely refuse to allow him to ruin all aspects of my life. I’m trying to spend some time with the Fezziwigs in my life, so I have some warm memories of even this difficult time.

Ten things that are good.

• Dinners with friends
• Sledding on new sleds
• Saint Cyr
• Saint Joan
• Friends in town for the holidays
• My awesome mom
• My super supportive brother
• Netflix watch instantly (on and off my 360)
• Art, ongoing
• My wonderful lawyer

Things that are distressing

• Shopping for Christmas alone (this was a thing we’ve done together for years)
• Worrying about what he’s telling his family this holiday — They’ve been my family for 7 years, and have a big shindig Christmas eve, and I’ve been there for at least 8 years, been in 8 years of family pics, watched the younger cousins grow into teens, had their ‘slushie’ drinks, and eaten their Christmas eve homemade macaroni and cheese. traditions. He left me, and I lose so much family.
• money issues suck
• I’ve been having stupid body issue dreams, where i finally ‘see’ myself the way that Carlo says he did ‘wow, I really am hideous’, or ‘I didn’t realize I looked like this, how did I miss it’ kind of stupid dreams
• trying to figure out how to miss what I didn’t really have. I loved being devoted to my husband, I enjoyed being in love, but what did I really get in return. A flower may love the sun, and face it everyday, but the sun doesn’t have to care for the flower. so that’s a sad realization.

I deserve someone who adores me, someone who can at least sometimes be in AWE of me, to cheer me on, to help me be the best version of me, not just the best version they think I should be.

I deserve someone who is not afraid to love me too much, or fear that I will love them too much.

also, they must love cats