Dreaming the Impossible Dream since 1997

Father's Day, Dr. Sketchy's


Last weekend I…
*went to see a movie with my mom.
*Attempted not to think about my Dad, though it's been officially 2 years since he died.
*Went to Dr. Sketchy's Anti-art school with pete.
*Got to draw mermaids and pirates and
*learned that the drink 'salty dog' is a rum drink I do not fancy! (However, lovers of grapefruits may condone it)
*Slammed a Tom Collins(mmm piney),
*sang Good ship Lollipop up on stage with Olive Talique…
* and received a naughty chocolate confectionery for my trouble…
*and oh yea… did a lot of figure drawing, and they played a lot of Captain Bogg and Salty music! (but not Scurvy! why!)
*also, ended up at the cemetery briefly… late Sunday night… in the dark… with my mom and husband, last minute…

We’re still picking out a gravestone, so it was a bit of hit and miss on location. Driving there sent my mind awash with the overwhelming sensations of the same week 2 years ago. I’m still dealing with grief, my solution seems to be… fill up my life with friends and activities and life, to dull the ache of losing someone so close.

I do miss him everyday, but it is a bit easier now to talk about him, and the whole ordeal. of course, trying to write a little about it does roll those big fat tears down my face, those same kittens of grief that well up big and fluffy from somewhere much deeper than merely thought, perhaps from the raw corners of the soul.

so, this entry went a bit more serious than most of them lately. Work is very good, We recently got a Mini Cooper S, which has been a blast, and we’re carpooling, which is an interesting feat.
Twilight Mini 8

Heat has made comicking a bit slower… kinda stalled on page 23, but only had the gumption to relax tonight, watching my netflix in bed. I miss you, some of you I've been meaning to call.

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So, I’m still consulting, happily for another marketing company. Getting close to 10 hours for today. Brain is a bit hurty I’ve been bending CSS and WordPress to my will, but can’t get my actionscript to behave. 😛 At least I’ve had lovely Dr. Who audiodrama to keep me company.

Overall, I find I’m happiest when I have web work to do, and it is nice to have some pressing deadlines. Husband is depressed I don’t have a full time jobby job. I don’t mind contract work as long as it is steady, but the buyout restrictions seem to have already cost me a potential position. Best I can hope is that someone will be happy enough with my quick and quality work and hire me on full time, no matter the restrictions.

Even though it’s not quite classified as desperate times…

We’re moving in with my father-in-law. Partly due to my on and off work schedule, but mainly due to our desire to own a house this year at some point. So… we’ll throw most of our secondhand couches and furniture and pack up everything but my art desk, and our work clothes. Carlo has already purchased some storage that basically everything else will go into. I can’t really say much about the decision, it’s my fault we’re making this choice, so I really can’t put up much resistance. It is, however, the best way to save money for a downpayment for a home of some sort.

This kind of change is hard to take though.

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Merry Christmas!


I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas! Please have a safe and happy holidays.

We finished up our shopping and wrapping today, and will have loads and loads of family and food and gifts and cheery times.

Shame, really, I came down with the plague two days ago. ha ha. Mmmm nyquil and eggnog!

Work this week has been interesting. CSS, MySQL, PHP, and a Mac computer. Yay!

So, Yule it up! Be happy and be loved!

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Day 2.5


Whew, the first 2.5 days at the new gig were great. The people are really nice and cool, the work is completely full of things I can do, yay for css, xhtml, php. There is a preference for both php and web standards if possible.

I’m working on a pc with a nice big monitor. It’s totally ok for me to bring in my ibook and listen to music/podcasts while I work.

Still trying to figure if the beltline or 113-M is a better way for me to go.

Using my skills and brain for the web stuff is good, if a bit tiring. The last month and a half was just internet researching, which required critical thinking, of course, but not a whole lot of mental problem solving.

I hope this gig has lots of ongoing work for me. It’s nice.

Add the drive home placing me at home around 6 or so, and you get a relatively quiet introspective dreamling who eats her dinner and goes off to read and then sleep.

Mom should fly home from Cancun today. It’s been so strange not to be able to talk with her all week about the gig, and Christmas and everything. We’re a close family, so we end up phoning or at least texting throughout the week. She did manage to call my bro for a couple min this week so we’d know she got there, and that the torrential raining had made it almost impossible for her to get scuba certified- the main reason for going.

I actually had a dream the other night that was kinda like a roadtrip mystery, ending with me accosting some blond lady just before I woke up, asking her ‘Where is my mother’. awww. poor subconscious. hehe

Travel. Interview, Comrades


After my interview last week, I was spirited off to Ohio by my mom. It was a whirlwind of family, and back again. I saw almost all my cousins(and their kids!), and my mom got to go her class reunion. I drove part of the 8 hours back, and I must say… I have officially driven stick for too long. You know this when you try to clutch on an automatic vehicle your mom has just bought. eee! Almost had to tie my left leg to the seat, to keep from clutching the brake.

Monday, one cousin I didn’t see in Ohio was actually in Madison, so we did dinner over at Mom’s and then went out to The Great Dane, it was great to see her, even though I was still travel-tired from the long weekend.

Thursday!!! I had an interview for a job that really suits me. I feel I did the best I could, and really am crossing my fingers and holding my breath for it.

Thursday was also Kim‘s birthday, and there were margaritas, quesadilla’s and chocolate torte truffel birthday cake to be had, and we snuck some Heroes fan moments in there too.

whew. things fly by so fast, I want to remember, so I jot them down.

Interview, fishing, and AI


Wow, yesterday was a full full day. I got over to my Mom’s at 7, so she could help me get all professional like, she had hemmed my pants for me so it was easiest to leave them with her.

The off to my interview, which I think went pretty well.

After that I called up Pete and we went to Delitalia for some great italian subs and porta salads.

Then I picked up my mom and we went to get fishing licenses. yes… fishing. hehe.
After a stop at fazoli’s for some lemonade and breadsticks I came home for about 20 min before another interview with a recruiter…

at least I thought it was an interview before I went. Turns out JL Kirk and Associates is some kind of job coaching service… It was a sales pitch. sigh. As much as I want to believe the guy, he just wouldn’t tell me how much the service cost, opting instead to get me and my husband back next week, apparently for more sales pitch. 🙁 Has anyone heard of these places, do they work? are they worth it?

After all that, I took a nap!

ha, wow, long day.


Anyway, going fishing this morning with my Mom and Grandpa near lodi, I’ve never been fishing, should be fun!

Also, somehow today, getting packed for Anime Iowa, going to have a great time!
more later, if i have time before matt picks me up tonight.

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My birthday cake, all lit up.

My birthday cake, all lit up.

“Stop taking pictures,” they cried,”Blow out the candles!”

Would just like to point out that this is the cake my Grandma got me, not because she thinks I’m 4, but because she thought I’d like it.

Even if she had to tell the bakery that I was young young,when they asked, so she didn’t seem really strange buying a Yu-Gi-Oh cake for her 27 year old granddaughter.

My mother has similar stories, when she’s out buying fairy or elf themed jewelry.

I told them this year was easy, and to think of how much harder it’ll be to hide my age when I’m 50! What can I say, I’ll always be young at heart.

Had a good birthday week, I had 3 different cakes(one of them ice cream)! And lots of lovely, thoughtful gifts. My husband seemed especially dedicated to making sure I had a great time.

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states of grief


It’s been a dark summer, emotionally. I’ve spent several weeks in misery, depression, and general sadness. There were days where I felt I couldn’t close my eyes without finding myself trapped in that amber afternoon in those last hours I spent with my father. Times I felt I couldn’t breathe, remembering his last gasping breaths.

This emotion is akin to falling down a rabbit hole, a long floating sensation where almost every sure thing in my world has been swept about in a maelstrom, leaving me little to hang onto.

Still, where there were weeks and days full of this intense emotional fog, there are now mostly just moments that I allow to pass me swiftly. I felt like I was drowning in those amber moments, but now I have surfaced. Perhaps only my head is above the waters, but I’m still swimming, I’m going to make it.

I’ve been both ‘keeping busy’ while at the same time ‘searching for purpose’. Some days just feel pretty pointless. Better days happen when I take the time to make lists and fulfill them.

I move ahead in some goals, while others elude me. I’ve been reading a good deal, and filling my other moments with intentions of working on art and writing. Some of those intentions haven’t been realized, mostly related to things like exercising and working on the comic.

I know I’m still using these things to escape, but the sheer weight of sadness has lessened a bit, and I’m finding it a bit easier to be around my family and friends. I know I haven’t been the easiest one to be around, but am thankful for the love and patience my husband and everyone has given me.

Time allows us only to move forward.

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4 years


4 years

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The Dad Files: Good News!


Dad was in early for an xray today, and the results were great!!!

His last xray had all sorts of tumors in his lungs, including a constellation of little dots all over, too numerous to count.

Today, none of those little stars of cancer were visible!!! And the larger tumors seemed to have shrunk 17-27%!!! This is great news. Dad is on a special small scale treatment trial, and it seems to really be working. These kind of results are hardly ever seen, especially after only the first round.

The doctor cautioned that the people running the trial may want another xray in about 4 weeks, if they don’t believe the data, but as far as we can tell the treatments are working very well.

I’ve been so zombie today, and now I’m really happy, but also spinning emotionally.
We have a whole slew of people over for the weekend, they are currently over at the Chicago Auto Show. The house is mostly clean, and I’m looking forward to an evening of illustrationfriday, and maybe putting up some of my college anime posters in my art room.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

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