Last weekend I…
*went to see a movie with my mom.
*Attempted not to think about my Dad, though it's been officially 2 years since he died.
*Went to Dr. Sketchy's Anti-art school with pete.
*Got to draw mermaids and pirates and
*learned that the drink 'salty dog' is a rum drink I do not fancy! (However, lovers of grapefruits may condone it)
*Slammed a Tom Collins(mmm piney),
*sang Good ship Lollipop up on stage with Olive Talique…
* and received a naughty chocolate confectionery for my trouble…
*and oh yea… did a lot of figure drawing, and they played a lot of Captain Bogg and Salty music! (but not Scurvy! why!)
*also, ended up at the cemetery briefly… late Sunday night… in the dark… with my mom and husband, last minute…

We’re still picking out a gravestone, so it was a bit of hit and miss on location. Driving there sent my mind awash with the overwhelming sensations of the same week 2 years ago. I’m still dealing with grief, my solution seems to be… fill up my life with friends and activities and life, to dull the ache of losing someone so close.

I do miss him everyday, but it is a bit easier now to talk about him, and the whole ordeal. of course, trying to write a little about it does roll those big fat tears down my face, those same kittens of grief that well up big and fluffy from somewhere much deeper than merely thought, perhaps from the raw corners of the soul.

so, this entry went a bit more serious than most of them lately. Work is very good, We recently got a Mini Cooper S, which has been a blast, and we’re carpooling, which is an interesting feat.

Heat has made comicking a bit slower… kinda stalled on page 23, but only had the gumption to relax tonight, watching my netflix in bed. I miss you, some of you I've been meaning to call.

Overall, I find I’m happiest when I have web work to do, and it is nice to have some pressing deadlines. Husband is depressed I don’t have a full time jobby job. I don’t mind contract work as long as it is steady, but the buyout restrictions seem to have already cost me a potential position. Best I can hope is that someone will be happy enough with my quick and quality work and hire me on full time, no matter the restrictions.

Even though it’s not quite classified as desperate times…

We’re moving in with my father-in-law. Partly due to my on and off work schedule, but mainly due to our desire to own a house this year at some point. So… we’ll throw most of our secondhand couches and furniture and pack up everything but my art desk, and our work clothes. Carlo has already purchased some storage that basically everything else will go into. I can’t really say much about the decision, it’s my fault we’re making this choice, so I really can’t put up much resistance. It is, however, the best way to save money for a downpayment for a home of some sort.

This kind of change is hard to take though.

We finished up our shopping and wrapping today, and will have loads and loads of family and food and gifts and cheery times.

Shame, really, I came down with the plague two days ago. ha ha. Mmmm nyquil and eggnog!

Work this week has been interesting. CSS, MySQL, PHP, and a Mac computer. Yay!

So, Yule it up! Be happy and be loved!

I’m working on a pc with a nice big monitor. It’s totally ok for me to bring in my ibook and listen to music/podcasts while I work.

Still trying to figure if the beltline or 113-M is a better way for me to go.

Using my skills and brain for the web stuff is good, if a bit tiring. The last month and a half was just internet researching, which required critical thinking, of course, but not a whole lot of mental problem solving.

I hope this gig has lots of ongoing work for me. It’s nice.

Add the drive home placing me at home around 6 or so, and you get a relatively quiet introspective dreamling who eats her dinner and goes off to read and then sleep.

~~~
Mom should fly home from Cancun today. It’s been so strange not to be able to talk with her all week about the gig, and Christmas and everything. We’re a close family, so we end up phoning or at least texting throughout the week. She did manage to call my bro for a couple min this week so we’d know she got there, and that the torrential raining had made it almost impossible for her to get scuba certified- the main reason for going.

I actually had a dream the other night that was kinda like a roadtrip mystery, ending with me accosting some blond lady just before I woke up, asking her ‘Where is my mother’. awww. poor subconscious. hehe

Monday, one cousin I didn’t see in Ohio was actually in Madison, so we did dinner over at Mom’s and then went out to The Great Dane, it was great to see her, even though I was still travel-tired from the long weekend.

Thursday!!! I had an interview for a job that really suits me. I feel I did the best I could, and really am crossing my fingers and holding my breath for it.

Thursday was also Kim’s birthday, and there were margaritas, quesadilla’s and chocolate torte truffel birthday cake to be had, and we snuck some Heroes fan moments in there too.

whew. things fly by so fast, I want to remember, so I jot them down.

The off to my interview, which I think went pretty well.

After that I called up Pete and we went to Delitalia for some great italian subs and porta salads.

Then I picked up my mom and we went to get fishing licenses. yes… fishing. hehe.
After a stop at fazoli’s for some lemonade and breadsticks I came home for about 20 min before another interview with a recruiter…

at least I thought it was an interview before I went. Turns out JL Kirk and Associates is some kind of job coaching service… It was a sales pitch. sigh. As much as I want to believe the guy, he just wouldn’t tell me how much the service cost, opting instead to get me and my husband back next week, apparently for more sales pitch. Has anyone heard of these places, do they work? are they worth it?

After all that, I took a nap!

ha, wow, long day.

~~~

Anyway, going fishing this morning with my Mom and Grandpa near lodi, I’ve never been fishing, should be fun!

Also, somehow today, getting packed for Anime Iowa, going to have a great time!
more later, if i have time before matt picks me up tonight.

“Stop taking pictures,” they cried,”Blow out the candles!”

Would just like to point out that this is the cake my Grandma got me, not because she thinks I’m 4, but because she thought I’d like it.

Even if she had to tell the bakery that I was young young,when they asked, so she didn’t seem really strange buying a Yu-Gi-Oh cake for her 27 year old granddaughter.

My mother has similar stories, when she’s out buying fairy or elf themed jewelry.

I told them this year was easy, and to think of how much harder it’ll be to hide my age when I’m 50! What can I say, I’ll always be young at heart.

Had a good birthday week, I had 3 different cakes(one of them ice cream)! And lots of lovely, thoughtful gifts. My husband seemed especially dedicated to making sure I had a great time.

This emotion is akin to falling down a rabbit hole, a long floating sensation where almost every sure thing in my world has been swept about in a maelstrom, leaving me little to hang onto.

Still, where there were weeks and days full of this intense emotional fog, there are now mostly just moments that I allow to pass me swiftly. I felt like I was drowning in those amber moments, but now I have surfaced. Perhaps only my head is above the waters, but I’m still swimming, I’m going to make it.

I’ve been both ‘keeping busy’ while at the same time ’searching for purpose’. Some days just feel pretty pointless. Better days happen when I take the time to make lists and fulfill them.

I move ahead in some goals, while others elude me. I’ve been reading a good deal, and filling my other moments with intentions of working on art and writing. Some of those intentions haven’t been realized, mostly related to things like exercising and working on the comic.

I know I’m still using these things to escape, but the sheer weight of sadness has lessened a bit, and I’m finding it a bit easier to be around my family and friends. I know I haven’t been the easiest one to be around, but am thankful for the love and patience my husband and everyone has given me.

Time allows us only to move forward.

His last xray had all sorts of tumors in his lungs, including a constellation of little dots all over, too numerous to count.

Today, none of those little stars of cancer were visible!!! And the larger tumors seemed to have shrunk 17-27%!!! This is great news. Dad is on a special small scale treatment trial, and it seems to really be working. These kind of results are hardly ever seen, especially after only the first round.

The doctor cautioned that the people running the trial may want another xray in about 4 weeks, if they don’t believe the data, but as far as we can tell the treatments are working very well.

I’ve been so zombie today, and now I’m really happy, but also spinning emotionally.
~~~
We have a whole slew of people over for the weekend, they are currently over at the Chicago Auto Show. The house is mostly clean, and I’m looking forward to an evening of illustrationfriday, and maybe putting up some of my college anime posters in my art room.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

If they have, then he gets another chemo treatment like normal.

Additionally, I have two flats on my jeep.

I will likely fly out on standby tomorrow to roanoke VA.

I have never had a Christmas with any family drama, our holidays are generally peaceful. This one had plenty. Sadly, if I would have stepped up, I could have cut my part of the debacle off at the pass. Hindsight, sadly…

Enough of that. Drama aside, We did have many pleasant moments, and received many lovely things.(Including two new DeLint Books which I have already Devoured) It sucked that I had a hard case of the sniffles that made me feel like a zombie for most of the days prior to ‘Eve, and during the day of ‘Eve. (somehow things seemed better after some sudafed and two glasses of riesling.)

We still have Christmas/Thanksgiving with my husband’s family. (something that slipped in the scheduling at the last moment Christmas eve) Tiff, husband’s stepsister, is in town from Germany, and she missed Thanksgiving, so we’re getting Turkey and Trimmings, AND opening gifts on Sunday. I know that will be pleasant, and am looking forward to it.

I received my very own copy of Wicked Soundtrack from my husband’s aunt. I’ve been playing it non-stop all day. It is very cheering.

Tomorrow, I am taking my father up to the hospital for his chemo treatment. Perhaps I will glimpse the elusive, .
~~~~
This comic is creepy and beautiful: http://www.deadmouse.net/ballad/bd1.htm

Did some quick Christmas shopping with Mom, and added to my list, (apparently the one I posted was too general and too short)

Made it to a nice tea and wine party with Dan and Merilee, who I hadn’t seen in a long time, their daughter, Genevieve was a joy, just about a year old and walking and waving at everyone and everything. (me, the piano, the plant). D&M were so sweet and instantly used my gifts to them(big wintery themed coffee mugs) for their party, which they didn’t have to at all, and was nice. It was nice to chat with a variety of people from different groups, Contra Dancers, photographers, quakers, and art buddies. ( and showed up, and I was able to give them their gifts as well! (Wicked book for Kim, Katamari Damarcy for Maciek).)

Was all set to go to Christmas service with my parents, when Mom called and said she had to take my father to the emergency room because he had intense rib pain. They feared a blood clot in his lung, but it turned out he has bruised or fractured a rib. Which isn’t life threatening, but very very painful, and not really the sort of thing he needed on top of the cancer stuff. I headed over to the house after they got home, to spend time with them

Worked a bit on art, and played Baten Kaitos on my GameCube till it died. Husband sent me out to get a new one, , I picked up a holiday platinum bundle gamecube, which came with Mario Cart Double Dash. It was a pretty good deal, and not purple, and I was able to continue playing blissfully until sleep time.

Monday:
Got some insurance stuff figured out, and made dental appointments for me and hubby for the new year. _must stop putting things off_.

Last night I finally got commission physically to her and her hubby. Whew! Felt good to get that off my plate before Christmas. As hard as it was to part with “A Song for Evan”, I’m glad it’s going to a good home. could you take a picture of it on the wall when you get it all framed up, please?

Then I headed over to a sparse Writing Group night. I did no writing, but it was very nice to check in with and who I feel like I haven’t seen in a while. (I miss seeing but I just know the new year will open up both our schedules for ass-kickery.)

2005, the year of Ass-Kickery! (place it in your Interests to remember)

Lah. ok, still need to do lots of shopping, but have the rest of the week off, and that’s good.

Initally, it seemed the medication was helping him, as his coughing eased and he seemed to be feeling better, but blood tests returning yesterday come back high for cancer. This is not good. Even though he will begin chemo tommorrow, I’m sure his chances are low. (edit:another call to mom says prognosis is between 8-20months, on the 20 side because he’ll be in a new treatment trial, but a scan after 8 weeks will helps us know better)

My mother and I talk, here and there, about the future. We both admit we know we will get through this, logically we know we will, even though we don’t wish to. It’s a hard realization.

Tonight was supposed to be the return of gaming with j. and now I’m not sure. gah, I’., sure mom could use me tonight.(edit, cancelling gaming again with j.(I think I’ve cancelled all week) and I feel bad, but family is much more important, I’m going over there after 6.)

(Also, my grandfather fell at work yesterday, 911 and everything. He tore his hamstring.)

:Woe
:gnashes teeth.

I need a hug.

But it is real. I know it.

I saw my parents and grandparents and brother Friday night for dinner, Papa John’s Pizza, at my grandparents house, a stone’s throw from Angel Park.

After I had eaten my fill, I asked my Mom how Dad’s CAT scan had gone earlier last week. (They had him in because his pneumonia wasn’t getting better). She waved him over, almost covertly, and he pulled up his chair beside mine, at the dining table that was full of dishes and cookies for a Sunday night dessert.

He asked me how I was doing, and I leaned into him, his arm coming around my shoulders, “fine,” I squeaked out, and asked him how he was doing.

“Well, baby, they took my scan, and I have a little metastatic disease in my lungs.”

He went on to explain, softly, that they thought the chemo treatments he had only just completed a few weeks ago had likely suppressed these lung spots and that it came through the lymph system and not the blood system, which means it moves slower.

Slower? Than what?!

It’s better, in a way, that he’s been sick though, because he wasn’t scheduled for a CAT scan check up till sometime in January. He’ll meet with his kind Oncologist on Friday. My uncle Joel flew in on Sunday to be with us, with him this week.

After the pizza, we sat around, and helped Grandma put her Christmas tree up with lights, played with the cat, and I was struck with how Norman Rockwall the night was, all of us around the tree, laughing and me trying very hard to breathe, and hide my tears from my father.

I’ve really been blessed with an amazing family.

Please pray for us.

On our way back, we decided to try to avoid the Dells, traffic sometimes comes to a standstill around holiday weekends. We ended up driving towards Wausau, where Carlo had to work on Tuesday. We decided just to stay in Wausau, so he could set up and teach there. It worked out ok, I got some work done remotely, and he ran his class, but we just got in last night around 6:30.

Tonight around 6:30, we circle the caravan for a trip out west to Colorado. Long car ride, but we’ll be hanging with the people who came to our last big party. More of the same will ensue: Lots of Halo, lots of booze, lots of laughter, most likely a good deal of Mario Cart. Perhaps we might see some sights in Colorado. Who knows. Will return Monday.

Also, he seemed to be feeling a lot better yesterday, true they had him on a good amount of drugs, but he was being silly and was sleeping too.

Very good things. We’re trying to figure out if he’s staying in the hospital over the long weekend or coming home soon.

Thanks again for your concern.

He had an MRI last night, seems that there is some sort of infection, and they will likely do a small operation tommorrow to try to remove the bad stuff. He’s still in a good deal of pain, apparently the pain team has been called several times since 9 this morning, but hasn’t shown up yet to figure out what drugs he can have.

I’m going up there again tonight for a bit. Mom seems exhausted.

When I called her this morning, I learned a few things. After I left my dad developed a fever, which is indicative of infection. Infection is really not a good thing so soon after a major surgery, once they figure out what kind it is, they’ll put him on the apropriate anti-biotics.

They are having trouble keeping his blood sugar up, and have him on some sort of glucose drip. Apparently the jerking of his limbs is due to low blood sugar. When he is awake, he’s in a good deal of pain, 8-9 on a scale of 10.

The doctors were supposed to confer sometime this afternoon.

I’m heading up to help my mom, and be with my dad.

Talk later.

When I made it down to the hospital, he was still in the emergency center, getting an ultrasound, but shortly after I arrived they moved him up to the 6th floor to a temporary room.

He was in pretty rough shape, his blood sugar was really low, around 46 when the admitted him. (My father is diabetic, and usually his sugar is between 90-120) Also, he was experiencing kidney disfunction, and was shaking pretty much all night. (more like invouluntary jerks.) Early in the afternoon, he was hunched over in pain (back-kidneys?) and not making much sense (low sugar?), and throwing up. He was not a happy camper.

I was there till 1:30, but was able to nap a bit on a cot they brought in for my mom and wedged in the corner. They were feeding him lots and lots of sugar juices like orange and cranberry and apple, trying to get his levels up, and the last time they checked it seemed like he was near 100, which is much better.

Watching him fall in and out of sleep was heart wrenching, because even when dozing, his face would reflect the pain he feels, and emote like a baby’s does in sleep, making worried eyebrows, and pursed lips. When he was awake, he was lucid enough to have short conversations before he’d doze off again. Not sure why he kept falling asleep like that.

He seemed to be sleeping well when Mom came back to the hospital to spend the rest of the night by his side.

This is hard to take, he apparently had a really great weekend painwise, and was up and around and feeling the best he has in two weeks.

Mom will likely call me sometime this morning with more info.

Second! Our zines rock, we spent all last weekend working on them, and they are beautiful.

Anyway, it’s been a long 2 weeks. I’ve either been at the hospital, or working on our zine. Strange times blending into each other.

My Dad’s surgery was very successful. The pathology came back with only a handful of live cancer cells left, and none around the margins. They had expected to see hundreds! This is great news.

Also, Dad came home last night! No more hospital. It’s so nice to see him up and about, and at home.

We’re heading out to acen within the next half hour. I just wanted to update before the con, because there is always too much to update after!

Later!

We finally got to see him about 8:30 at night, and he seemed tired, but lucid, and not in pain. (epidural, morphine on demand.) The hospital rooms at the university have been revamped since the last time I was visiting someone there. The room is private, and looks more like a tiny hotel room, wood floors, actual wallpaper, his own TV. He’ll be at the hospital for about a week.

So, it was a good day yesterday. Emotionally stressful, but good. I got to spend the day with my family. Mom, Brother, Uncle Jim, Grandma, and Grandpa, and a family friend, Steve was also there to keep us company. Mom, BJ, Grandma and I played several hands of Hearts with the cards on loan from the surgery waiting area desk. (Can you believe someone had actually marked the Queen of Spades?) Somehow my brother only got about 16 points in roughly 7 hands. How did he do that? It was a good distraction though. Spending the day at a hospital is always strange, the hours run together. We were at the hospital from around 8am to 9:30pm.

I did get to call on Heather which was a nice change too. It was nice to see a friendly face in the strange maze that is the University Hospital.

Things should get better from now out. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It was really nice to read the little notes you left me.

I cleaned the upstairs bathroom, even the tub, did a bit of laundry, and unloaded the dishwasher twice. My husband, brave soul, cleaned the refrigerator out and washed all the dishes that didn’t fit in the last load of the dishwasher.

I crock-potted twice on Sunday, a chicken dish that was pretty bland, and a dessert that kicked butt. I plan on making the hot fudge crock pot cake again. mmm.

Friday night I spent several hours working on the process of getting my mom set up with a new webhost. We have to take into account all sorts of things like add on domains, and making sure the biz email doesn’t get too lost in the process. I’ll have to finish that up this week.

Mom cooked dinner on Friday, yummy shrimp and pasta. In a strange unhappy dissonance, my father read his dire medical records while we ate.

Mom is worried that I am depressed. I am worried that I can’t emphatically deny that allegation. I’ve felt sad all last week, and this morning, (like close to tears sad), and I am often irritable. It’s possible I need more sleep/exercise, ect, but not fun, either which way.

I’ve really been digging into Joan Druett’s novel She Captains, and it’s really really fascinating. Lots of historical cited info on all sorts of hellions and heroines, and great inspirational fodder on life at sea for women. Very very cool. (No, not all of them are valorous, some are downright evil, but it’s still really intriguing, plus… educational)

Dad is going to see a panel of doctors and surgeons next week, apparently his case is unusual, and they want to know why.

My father’s enemy is signet ring cancer.

I had sushi last night, and it was yummy. believe it or not, sushi is a comfort food to me. I might have more comfort food tonight, either qdoba’s or noodles mac and cheese with tofu.

I am very happy that Please Save My Earth is out in translated manga. I had thought I might never seen the actual manga pages, and PSME has long been one of my favorite series.

Tonight, I believe, my husband is taking me to a movie. I’m aiming for Big Fish, or Something’s gotta give.

Most of Studio Antithesis is away, and I miss them. It will be nice to see them next week.

I finally beat the hard battle near the start of the Prince of Persia game, last night. Which made me feel good. I beat Syberia shortly after Christmas, with enough interest to play the sequel I guess. The Longest Journey was so much better though.

Frank was in town around New Years. We went to Monty’s Blue plate, and bowling with Adam. Felt like old times. We all used to work together at Sonic Foundry.

Sorry for the odd, unconnected ramblings, been missing recording all sorts of things due to these emergencies.

Went over to Mom and Dad’s the day he was discharged, to eat dinner some friends had brought by, and watch ‘Senseless’, which made my father laugh so much it hurt. He’s feeling so much better than he has these last few weeks. That’s a good thing.

The stress of this is not doing good things to my body. I need to exercise more and release those endorphins.

Dad was up a good deal of the time, joking with his nurses and doctors, and us. His color is much much better than it was Christmas day, when he could hardly sit and open gifts with us.

I did get to do a bit of gaming, finally reached Vole’s shadow dancer prestige class. It was nice to escape for a while

The doctors pushed the test on my dad.s cancer through, and they just got the results. Looks like it’s in stage 3. There are only 4 stages. Stage four is the really bad one, but stage 3 is not good at all. They are finding that the cancer came from the muscle or something. I really don’t understand the details.

But the good news is that he is getting discharged today, and will be able to meet with the new surgeon and an oncologist this week. He’s up andwalking around, and feeling loads better than he has in weeks.

He meets with a surgeon and an oncologist this week. Treatments to start soon.

My dad’s surgery last night went successful, they did a colostomy, and it took about 4 hours. He didn’t go in til about 3:30 and didn’t get out of recovery until about 10.

I stayed the night with my mom in the visitor’s lounge on the ninth floor of the tower.

My father has cancer, and they still don’t know what kind. It may be aggressive. Results may be back next week. either way, treatments, while not yet scheduled are likely to occur in the next couple weeks.

Two of my dad’s brothers flew in this morning, and just arrived.

talk later.

thanks for your love and your prayers.

He’s been sick since October, really sick, and has lost lots and lots of weight, which is good, but not a good way to do it. He really can’t eat anything solid, and is generally miserable, and the worst thing is, the doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong with him. He hasn’t worked for the last 6 or 7 weeks, and one can only survive on yogurt and sherbet for so long.

Last week he went in for x-rays, and while nothing seemed to stand out, even to him(he used to be an x-ray tech), he’s still been sick. Yesterday or today he went in and they took a biopsy.

They are throwing around scary words like lymphoma. If the test comes back that is it, he starts treatment on Friday, if it’s negative, then they still don’t know what’s wrong and he goes into the hospital on Monday. We hope to get the test back tommorrow. sigh.

This is my Daddy, and he’s wasting away, and I’m worried and scared.

Please, please pray for him and my mother.

• Page 5 of Tabloid roulette is up
• Did christmas crafty things with mom.(candles!)
• Opened new checking account at uwcu, yah!
• awesome role playing on sunday, we faced down an evil drow sorceror who
  had unnatrual command over an army of 50thousand orcs.(Vole and Co.)
• decorated tree
• Christmas concert at a local church. (w/Mom/Grandma)
• American forces finally caught Sadamn hussein

Saturday: Up early, cookie faire with my Mom, and then we hit the Michael’s craft store on the east side, getting crafty stuff for gifts, but we ran out of time to make the crafts, after realizing we were missing some things.
Then we had the Nanowrimo wrap-up party, where we saw many nano winners! (and some who will finish their ass-kickery soon!) It was so cool to talk with each other about the things we worked on and it was nice to touch base with people that I miss seeing every Wednesday night for writing. I still have lots to put into my novel, but I’ve made a good start, and have lots of framework to start with.
After that I joined Kim to scan and spend some time chatting about comics and cleaning up the page to get it ready for shading. I gave Kim her Christmas Gift, a cute mason jar of friendship tea, with a cute little spoon with a teapot on the end, and some lotion.

Sunday: Up early again, Manga Girls morning out! Joined Kim and Elly at Sofia’s mmmm, I had eggnog cherry crepes! So yummy! Then after a bit of window shopping (too early for the shops to open) we went back to talk about manga, how thoughts vs spoken word bubbles should be shaped and more cleaning and some toning tests. Then we left so Kim could fetch her hubby from the airport.

Woo!

Tuesday: Art night last night was awesome! Maciek is back from Hong Kong and showed us lots of pictures! And I finished all the toning/shading for page 5, and Kim had it all lettered. It’ll go live this Saturday! yah! Feels so nice to get back to the manga now. It just took me one night to do the shading! I feel really good about page 5, the panels do some storytelling, you can tell what’s going on with the action. feels very nice.

We had some rousing choruses of Bob! Bob!, and then K&M gave me my Christmas gift! OH MY!!! So Cool! They gave me the Mattel Barbie Catwoman! And it’s such a nice toy, very cool details, a whip, pretty costume, and just awesome! I can’t help that I’m a Catwoman nut, but I’m glad my friends remember and indulge me. Thanks!