Dreaming the Impossible Dream since 1997

Just about now


Just about now, my father is getting xrayed, to see if the chemo treatments he’s been having, have been working…

If they have, then he gets another chemo treatment like normal.

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my uncle has died


My uncle Steve, my Dad’s oldest brother just died suddenly on friday.

Additionally, I have two flats on my jeep.

I will likely fly out on standby tomorrow to roanoke VA.


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Let’s go down to the OzDust Ballroom


Christmas was stressful, and emotional. For a lot of reasons, mostly about family time scheduling issues. Note to self: Ask for what you desire, and see if it’s possible, instead of just dealing. Guh.

I have never had a Christmas with any family drama, our holidays are generally peaceful. This one had plenty. Sadly, if I would have stepped up, I could have cut my part of the debacle off at the pass. Hindsight, sadly…

Enough of that. Drama aside, We did have many pleasant moments, and received many lovely things.(Including two new DeLint Books which I have already Devoured) It sucked that I had a hard case of the sniffles that made me feel like a zombie for most of the days prior to ‘Eve, and during the day of ‘Eve. (somehow things seemed better after some sudafed and two glasses of riesling.)

We still have Christmas/Thanksgiving with my husband’s family. (something that slipped in the scheduling at the last moment Christmas eve) Tiff, husband’s stepsister, is in town from Germany, and she missed Thanksgiving, so we’re getting Turkey and Trimmings, AND opening gifts on Sunday. I know that will be pleasant, and am looking forward to it.

I received my very own copy of Wicked Soundtrack from my husband’s aunt. I’ve been playing it non-stop all day. It is very cheering.

Tomorrow, I am taking my father up to the hospital for his chemo treatment. Perhaps I will glimpse the elusive, . 😉
This comic is creepy and beautiful:

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Winter Days


Weekend Things:
Went with Mom to a business appointment, showed the couple my sketch book.(At Mom’s behest), was given actual ceylon chai with fresh ginger. yum!

Did some quick Christmas shopping with Mom, and added to my list, (apparently the one I posted was too general and too short)

Made it to a nice tea and wine party with Dan and Merilee, who I hadn’t seen in a long time, their daughter, Genevieve was a joy, just about a year old and walking and waving at everyone and everything. (me, the piano, the plant). D&M were so sweet and instantly used my gifts to them(big wintery themed coffee mugs) for their party, which they didn’t have to at all, and was nice. It was nice to chat with a variety of people from different groups, Contra Dancers, photographers, quakers, and art buddies. ( and showed up, and I was able to give them their gifts as well! (Wicked book for Kim, Katamari Damarcy for Maciek).)

Was all set to go to Christmas service with my parents, when Mom called and said she had to take my father to the emergency room because he had intense rib pain. They feared a blood clot in his lung, but it turned out he has bruised or fractured a rib. Which isn’t life threatening, but very very painful, and not really the sort of thing he needed on top of the cancer stuff. I headed over to the house after they got home, to spend time with them

Worked a bit on art, and played Baten Kaitos on my GameCube till it died. 🙁 Husband sent me out to get a new one, :), I picked up a holiday platinum bundle gamecube, which came with Mario Cart Double Dash. It was a pretty good deal, and not purple, and I was able to continue playing blissfully until sleep time.

Got some insurance stuff figured out, and made dental appointments for me and hubby for the new year. _must stop putting things off_.

Last night I finally got commission physically to her and her hubby. Whew! Felt good to get that off my plate before Christmas. As hard as it was to part with “A Song for Evan”, I’m glad it’s going to a good home. could you take a picture of it on the wall when you get it all framed up, please?

Then I headed over to a sparse Writing Group night. I did no writing, but it was very nice to check in with and who I feel like I haven’t seen in a while. (I miss seeing but I just know the new year will open up both our schedules for ass-kickery.)

2005, the year of Ass-Kickery! (place it in your Interests to remember)

Lah. ok, still need to do lots of shopping, but have the rest of the week off, and that’s good.

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Snow and Sunlight, Hope and Sadness


The beginning of the week brought light snow and the possibility of a cure for my father. There was a slim chance that his lungs were populated not with cancer, but with a fungal infection. They started him on a fungicide last friday, while waiting for various tests to return from labs.

Initally, it seemed the medication was helping him, as his coughing eased and he seemed to be feeling better, but blood tests returning yesterday come back high for cancer. This is not good. Even though he will begin chemo tommorrow, I’m sure his chances are low. (edit:another call to mom says prognosis is between 8-20months, on the 20 side because he’ll be in a new treatment trial, but a scan after 8 weeks will helps us know better)

My mother and I talk, here and there, about the future. We both admit we know we will get through this, logically we know we will, even though we don’t wish to. It’s a hard realization.

Tonight was supposed to be the return of gaming with j. and now I’m not sure. gah, I’., sure mom could use me tonight.(edit, cancelling gaming again with j.(I think I’ve cancelled all week) and I feel bad, but family is much more important, I’m going over there after 6.)

(Also, my grandfather fell at work yesterday, 911 and everything. He tore his hamstring.)

:gnashes teeth.

I need a hug.

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What the CAT saw.


I’m numb, I’m numb, we all are.
I am faced again with the fact that I’ve never fully dealt with my father’s cancer.
Perhaps, if I don’t tell you what’s happening, it won’t be real.

But it is real. I know it.

I saw my parents and grandparents and brother Friday night for dinner, Papa John’s Pizza, at my grandparents house, a stone’s throw from Angel Park.

After I had eaten my fill, I asked my Mom how Dad’s CAT scan had gone earlier last week. (They had him in because his pneumonia wasn’t getting better). She waved him over, almost covertly, and he pulled up his chair beside mine, at the dining table that was full of dishes and cookies for a Sunday night dessert.

He asked me how I was doing, and I leaned into him, his arm coming around my shoulders, “fine,” I squeaked out, and asked him how he was doing.

“Well, baby, they took my scan, and I have a little metastatic disease in my lungs.”

He went on to explain, softly, that they thought the chemo treatments he had only just completed a few weeks ago had likely suppressed these lung spots and that it came through the lymph system and not the blood system, which means it moves slower.

Slower? Than what?!

It’s better, in a way, that he’s been sick though, because he wasn’t scheduled for a CAT scan check up till sometime in January. He’ll meet with his kind Oncologist on Friday. My uncle Joel flew in on Sunday to be with us, with him this week.

After the pizza, we sat around, and helped Grandma put her Christmas tree up with lights, played with the cat, and I was struck with how Norman Rockwall the night was, all of us around the tree, laughing and me trying very hard to breathe, and hide my tears from my father.

I’ve really been blessed with an amazing family.

Please pray for us.

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Here and Gone?


Just got back from up north. We spent the 4th up at my husband’s uncle’s cabin on a lake. It was nice, but rainy, we spent most of the time eating and role playing with his male cousins. Villans and Vigilantes is fun. Our friend Ana came down from the cities and hung out with us. My mother-in-law had bought a RV type thing (we use them for extra bunk space up at the lake), and it was nice, even had air conditioning. We scooted all the gaming things out there to be out of the way of the adults. (Though they still kept interupting us quite often.) It’s always lovely to hang out with my husband’s family. It was also nice to see Ana, she’s a kick and a half. Everyone liked her.

On our way back, we decided to try to avoid the Dells, traffic sometimes comes to a standstill around holiday weekends. We ended up driving towards Wausau, where Carlo had to work on Tuesday. We decided just to stay in Wausau, so he could set up and teach there. It worked out ok, I got some work done remotely, and he ran his class, but we just got in last night around 6:30.

Tonight around 6:30, we circle the caravan for a trip out west to Colorado. Long car ride, but we’ll be hanging with the people who came to our last big party. More of the same will ensue: Lots of Halo, lots of booze, lots of laughter, most likely a good deal of Mario Cart. Perhaps we might see some sights in Colorado. Who knows. Will return Monday.

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Dad’s minor surgery


His surgery went very well, they didn’t really find any infection, just some dead tissue which they cleared out. This is very good.

Also, he seemed to be feeling a lot better yesterday, true they had him on a good amount of drugs, but he was being silly and was sleeping too.

Very good things. We’re trying to figure out if he’s staying in the hospital over the long weekend or coming home soon.

Thanks again for your concern.

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A little Clarity, please


He seemed a lot clearer yesterday afternoon. They think that his rapid weightloss and the removal of the cancer has drastically changed the amount of diabetic medicine he may need, they are working on figuring out just where he needs to be for that. His electrolytes are also off, which is causing his arms and legs to ache.

He had an MRI last night, seems that there is some sort of infection, and they will likely do a small operation tommorrow to try to remove the bad stuff. He’s still in a good deal of pain, apparently the pain team has been called several times since 9 this morning, but hasn’t shown up yet to figure out what drugs he can have.

I’m going up there again tonight for a bit. Mom seems exhausted.

Dropped by K&M’s last night, and we talked Studio stuff till about 11! It was fun, but I was still tired from the last couple nights, heh. I’m going to try to hit the pillow earlier tonight.

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Heading back up to the hospital


I fell asleep last night on a little cot wedged into the corner of my father’s hospital room. My mother had gone home around 10:30pm to pick somethings up and perhaps nap. She woke me at 1:30pm, so I could go home and catch a few zzz’s before work.

When I called her this morning, I learned a few things. After I left my dad developed a fever, which is indicative of infection. Infection is really not a good thing so soon after a major surgery, once they figure out what kind it is, they’ll put him on the apropriate anti-biotics.

They are having trouble keeping his blood sugar up, and have him on some sort of glucose drip. Apparently the jerking of his limbs is due to low blood sugar. When he is awake, he’s in a good deal of pain, 8-9 on a scale of 10.

The doctors were supposed to confer sometime this afternoon.

I’m heading up to help my mom, and be with my dad.

Talk later.

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